#25. The Revelation of Axial Moments
When she is born, she is utterly dependent on those around her to be fed and taken care of in order to survive. Family, community and society quickly teach her certain behaviors will be rewarded and others will be frowned upon or punished. She delights in the joy she sees on other’s faces and she feels the power of her light. Her creaturely body, mind, and emotional experience flow freely with expression, only hesitating around moments of disapproval.
She begins construction on herself right away, gathering the materials necessary to make a person. She figures out she has a physical body that needs to be nourished and cleaned. She learns to control urges, navigate potty training and to regularly restore the system with sleep. She experiences the emotional self in tears and frustrations in not being understood and in warmth and soothing in the loving arms of her parent. Her eyes are always watching as adults suppress, shame or over-indulge in a wide variety of holding back. She learns some emotions are good and some are scary or naughty. Her brain takes in information and begins to categorize and edit. Of course she wants to be pleasing in order to feel love and belonging and she avoids the best she can behavior that might bring painful rejection or shame.
Becoming a person requires construction as little ones watch older ones and learn how to make meaning and build connection for survival and love. Imagine this child taking all of those lessons offered and brick by brick, forming preferences and personality. The bricks of the first levels may be labeled with words like, SMART, STUBBORN, COLICKY, INDEPENDENT, QUIET or SENSITIVE, words heard and adopted from family and caregivers. School and socialization provide a plethora of bricks for her to build her character, as she feels the disgust or delight adults react to her with: SHY, HYPER, BOSSY, ROWDY or CUTE.
The world around her provides labels she doesn’t understand the ramifications or the reasons for like, WHITE, BLACK, CHINESE, AMERICAN, RICH, POOR, BAPTIST, CATHOLIC, PAGAN, GAY, STRAIGHT, REPUBLICAN or DEMOCRAT. She hears labels from teachers and peers and Netflix: LAZY, FOCUSED, TALENTED, DISTRACTED, POPULAR, OUTCAST, INCLUDED, EXCLUDED.
She plays along the best she can though most of the rules of engagement make no sense to her. She plays alone at school and at home, finding fantasy and safety in her protected world of make believe. She hears fathers say, “You must believe in Jesus to be saved… Good girls obey the adults in charge… You are fearfully and wonderfully made… and This hurts me more than it hurts you. She sees mothers cry in silence and stuff their unhappiness and follows suit thinking this is the right way to be a human. She witnesses children being beaten, children being taken advantage of for the pleasure of adults and children abandoned by parents who are afraid to be present. She tries hard to find labels that will protect her from such heartache: CONTROLLING, PLEASING, DOMINEERING, FLIRTY, MANIPULATIVE, and OBEDIENT.
In the teenage years, hormones and courage flood her experience and she questions things she was taught. She finds her own wild labels to explore: REBELLIOUS, ANGRY, DISOBEDIENT, SNEAKY, SLUTTY, DEPRESSED, LONELY and RUINED. Fear takes control when these labels feel too dangerous and steer her back towards: CHRISTIAN, WIFE, MOTHER, LOYAL, SUBMISSIVE, HONORABLE, DILIGENT, NURTURING. She tries. She tries so hard to be happy in the prescribed way she has been taught. But mostly she feels, UNIMPORTANT, UNLOVED, UNSEEN, EXHAUSTED, DESPERATE, and HOPELESS to change a thing. Everyone she sees is walled up behind labels of good and bad. She witnesses those she loves hiding in terrible shame behind labels they think exclude them from goodness.
She aches to rip down the walls, to pulverize bricks with giant picks and hammers. She wants her father to come out from behind PASTOR, LEADER, MAN OF THE HOUSE and play with her on the floor with her coloring books. She wants to take the INADEQUATE and WEAK far away from his heart and get him to slow down enough to look into her eyes where LOVE, ADORATION and MERCY are waiting to embrace him.
Marriage meant to her an opportunity to partner with someone, to open hearts and share experiences fully. Maybe she failed to show her parents their beauty, but for sure, she could love a man and show him his worth the way she had wanted to show her daddy. Instead, she learns marriage is full of HIDING, NUMBING, LYING, USING and ABUSING. She thought they would be equals, but instead faces PARANOIA, PROTECTIVENESS, DEFENSIVENESS, RAGE, DECIEPT and DESPAIR. She adds labels to her own climbing wall: DIVORCED, INEFFECTIVE, HATED, ALONE and FREE.
Slowly, she takes each brick in her hands and studies it. Is she introverted and shy? Is this a fault or a benefit? Something someone threw onto her or something she discovered about herself? Does she believe in a God that judges and punishes? Was she always called to something different with her love of nature and her connection to all living things? What are these roles she dedicates 40 hours a week to? What do degrees, occupations or fame say about the heart of a person? What do these labels provide but tiny glimpses into moments of exploration? Why are these labels used to define who she is at all?
She begins to deconstruct the walls.
She begins to loosen her hold on titles.
She begins to peel off old heartaches by loving herself through the retelling and witnessing of past pain and courage.
Light begins to infuse the spaces around her. Golden, sparkling light that shines through the missing bricks land on her skin. She removes more corner-forcing labels and limit-creating names until she can stand and see over the old wall she thought defined her. The air feels electric and her skin blushes and goose bumps.
Behind the wall constructed by pursuits and provisions meant to instruct and inspire, behind all the cruel names meant to motivate or the shame-based lies meant to prevent more mistakes was SHE. Behind ideologies that boxed her in, regrets that sprouted fear and shame, and efforts to be better, to do more in order to earn love was HER. Behind successes and storylines, behind generational traumas and patterns of stuckness, SHE was waiting patiently.
Behind the physical body, the emotional body, the intellectual body… beyond memory, will and the relational being we identify as there is so much more. Finley says that suffering is defined as estrangement from spiritual experience and healing from suffering is spiritual experience. When we believe that ego is all we are, we work to build the best ego we can! Despair comes in with the height of the walls and the depth of identification we attach to.
Step one is to have gratitude for the human experience, to see ego consciousness in its seven categories and be grateful for all of the treasures and challenges experienced through being human. Step two is to see that ego is full of gifts to explore but it fails to describe the totality of who we are.
Below you will find a list of what Finley calls, AXIAL MOMENTS, those times where we are so present with all that is, we feel beyond our egos and know that we are more. These axial moments can bring a supernatural pause to time and space, leaving us feeling found in slow motion appreciation for the preciousness of the moment. These moments are not concoted and cannot be accounted for by the limits of our physical, emotional, intellectual experiences. They are beyond and they remind us that we are beyond also.
Step one is to say thank you, to live in gratitude for ego and to take responsibility for ego each present moment. Step two is to trust in what axial moments reveal to us. You are more than just your ego. You are Spirit.
AXIAL MOMENTS are moments of spiritual awakening, times when we can see beyond the ego and recognize our own or another’s spirit. Moments where we are transported to a deeper and more fully present experience of now. These are times when we know our ego cannot account for the beauty we are experiencing and we feel our connection to something more.
Washing a tea cup, fully present with the water and your hands
Singing a heartfelt song with others
Watching a sunset and giving yourself over to the experience
Being in nature without labels, seeing them as other alive beings.
Stopping with a child to look at an insect instead of rushing past.
A long embrace after years apart
First kisses between star-crossed lovers
A bite of rich, buttery pastry with raspberries
Hearing the waves of the ocean crash in steady rhythm
Live music and the experience of the sounds transporting you
Feeling protected or stood up for
Sinking the whole body in a hot bath
Brushing the hair of your 80 year old mother
Resonation found in an author’s words
Inspiration flowing in a creation of your own
Holding the baby you have prayed years for
When something interior matches with something exterior
Stillness in meditation
Synchronicity showing the path forward
Tenderness shown when someone is feeling down
In a moment of “examining a brick” and seeing at once, the paradox that this label provided for you in some way and that you are so much more than this label.
Presence
Acceptance of what is
(I would love to hear your axial moments in the comments below. Here is a drawing I did in 2021 of this concept.)
