The Mirror Effect
I was sitting outside in my swinging egg chair, enjoying the mild temperatures and the blooming of thousands of leaves behind our home where the oak grove sheltered us with shade and livelihood. We named our gray squirrel, Steve, and relished watching him jump from branch to branch and zoom up and down the trunks. My husband, Peter comes out of the house, walks towards the fence in the back corner and begins talking to the trees.
“What is he doing?” came snarky and critical sounding in my head. I felt my lip curl in disgust and superior characters wanting to name-call his choices as stupid.
Damn, I thought. He isn’t doing anything wrong. What’s my problem?
“It’s his gall, his nerve!!” I heard hissing. “He doesn’t even hesitate, doesn’t even worry about who might see him or what they might think!! He can hug a tree in the park without feeling any kind of shame or embarrassment!! He can laugh so loud the theater misses a few lines of the movie with zero care that it might annoy someone!! He can live out loud and free, goddamnit!!”
And this is why it hurts you, I thought and nodded my head compassionately.
We have spent our lives as little girls trying to blend in the background so as not to be chosen for whatever the seemingly cruel universe has in mind next. We hide our joy and our creativity in anticipation of how it will be stolen. We quiet our joy so as not to draw attention or get slapped for being too noisy.
This idea is called The Mirror Effect because the judgment I hold inside my heart comes projecting out onto your behavior as judging you and then, boomerangs right back into my own heart as condemnation of myself. I don’t feel free talking to trees when others might be watching me and I feel a sudden lividness with you acting so entitled and free!
Imagine I am walking into Target after a particularly long stretch of migraine days. My hair hasn’t been washed and I’m wearing my bathrobe over my leggings and tee because I couldn’t find my coat anywhere. If someone was to see me and judge me for my appearance, as disheveled as it may be, then I would be able to see something about that individual: they judge themselves as harshly. They hold themselves to standards I wouldn’t want and are not free enough in their own skin to go out like that. Maybe true?
I think the mirror effect is a portal to deeper understanding of self and possibly other.
When I feel a strong judgment about someone or something, it is this alarm to push pause. I was taken aback by the harsh criticism (in my head) of my beautiful husband experimenting with life! And because I went slow and sat present with these thoughts, emotions, sensations and perceptions about Peter and the tree, I was then able to move through the portal towards kinder understanding of my own inner child! What then opened, was a chance to love my young Jenny. I could see that Jenny chose to blend into the background to keep safe and felt envious of Peter’s freedom of expression. This was something I could validate and love for myself and it enabled me to drop the lie that said “no drawing attention to yourself!”
I walked over that morning to my husband’s side at the fence and joined him by leaning into his embrace and listening to his gentle invitation to the Oaks. I smiled and closed my eyes, free to enjoy and engage with him.
The mirror effect gives me compassion for parts like the Judge, the Finger Wagger and the One who is terrified of feeling embarrassment. Our inner critics can be the worst name-calling bullies that exist. We beat ourselves up for mistakes we made or let guilt and shame fester in secrecy trying to contain it! These parts of us do not need shunned or punished or stopped even. They are asking for what we wanted as children: compassion, understanding, validation, love. The critic is trying to protect us from the opposite. Trying to keep us in step with an outdated or irrational standard set by wounded children in us.
The way to react to any inner judge is to slow down enough to notice the judgment and then, try to find curiousity for why this part is feeling so vulnerable. Try thanking this part for trying to protect you. It is the ultimate goal of our inner parts. Even when you don’t understand how you could be thanking this voice inside your head telling you you’re an idiot for wearing your robe to Target, go ahead and experiment with it anyway.
“Thank you for trying to protect me.”
I find parts usually have more to say when we are actually listening. And when we are approaching it with compassion and curiousity instead of harshness or suppression, they will give us essential information. Gratitude softens the edges. Thank you means you are acknowledging the part’s real motivation. It means maybe you are ready to listen without assumptions or suppression. The mirror effect can be a portal into loving yourself more completely. This, self-love, is the absolute key to all inner work.